Florentina of The Moscow Story

to Flores… Moscow, 1920 The sound of the storm is getting closer. That glamorous roof above their head is a

cold but familiar shelternow, which is not colder than the outside, obviously. And it’s dark

too, yet again, not darker than the streets. The city is in a great silence, only the clouds are thunderous. All those hoses out there seem to be asleep at the moment—the heaviness in the air, infusing, such a dreadful atmosphere, all around that old wooden performance hall. That downpour, each drop is vigilant, about to cry out, expose that burning secret and use it relentlessly. Even the thought of it is an absolute horror. Still, they are here, reliantly. They are finding what they have always been looking for right here, where they’re standing face to face, closer than they should be at the very moment. It’s the warmth. It’s something like the relief of running into a similar face in the middle of nowhere while diving into the unknown without any chance of escape. It’s a calm breath, and a tear, shed only becauseof too much affection. And now, they are silentlyagreeing, it’s a sense, without any words. All of these,bursting feelings, wholeheartedly, completely, and indifferently, are happening betweenthese young womenwith unbelievable dignity.One spontaneous glance- might be any time of the day, and doesn’tmatter where- is enough for them to be enamored of each other all over again. “This is…” whispering slowly, Florentina is cautious all the time, yet here she is, despite everything, right in front of her. “...definitely,” while she’s trying to put the words together, at least trying, since she is incapable of functioning at all when Renata is as close to her as possible just like right now, Renata is making it even more difficult for her to think properly, so words are not making any sense. “hazardous.” Eventually, Florentina said the hurtful truth. “One day we’ll get caught, and all of this will end with-” Florentina stops. It’s not easy to say it out loud. “Pain? Aren’t we already in pain?” Renata has a bit of recklessness inside. Maybe, she’s just tired of being miserable. She continues while running her pale fingersthrough Florentina’s red hair. “Did I ever tell you that I’ve always loved your rebellious side?” Florentina immediately stops worrying about the time, the place, and what they’re daring to do, she smiles. “No?” “’Cause you don’t have one.” They are both slightly laughing. When the laughs fade away, the misery settles down in the eyes, as always. Now, Renata is suffering. It’s a sudden and sharp realization. She’s facing the eyes of her lover, filled, and sunk into hopelessness, and ironically shining.They’re, indeed beautiful, that’s why it’s always impossible to look away. And this is like lookinginto her own eyes, across a cruel mirror. She’s noticing every piece of emotion, flowing from Florentina to her very self. This gorgeous woman is reflecting everything she has on Renata. It’s like, her skin and her soul, are see-through, but only when they’re alone. Florentina needs to explain herself, with an urge to speakbefore thinking. “Why is it so much easier to cry, after even the slightest

moment of laugh I share with you?” Her voice is breaking again. “Because it’s so real but, despite that, magical too. And the depth of this, I mean us, it’s just so sad.” Renata is now holding her so tightly, “So sad to give up on it, when you don’t have any otherchoice.” One’s soul can surely be addicted to another’s. Isn’t it what love actually is? An insatiable addiction to another being. And sometimes this invisible and untouchable addiction craves to be seen and touched. It’s the toughest time for that soul if it is gifted with impossibility, a forbidden love, can be said. The worst part is that the forbidden is always the most captivating feeling one can ever feel. It kills the one inside with its irresistible charm. When one awakens that this precious feeling is just another kind of love, nothing to be ashamed of, there’s no turning back after that moment. No way to stop that feeling. Florentina is at that moment now. She is brilliant, she knows. She knows, in this chaos, among all those frightening men, she has to let go at some point. She has to get the image of Renata off her mind. But, how could it be possible when she is with her, in the middle of this night and magnificent hall? And how could Renata take a step back when she’s listening to the most whimsical music from these two hearts meeting and beating together? Florentina remains silent, then she starts swaying like there’s a light breeze in the room, now she’s humming a whimsical melody, it’s like a fairy tale. “What song is that?” Renata whisperslike she is asking about a secret. Florentina now is leaning to her ear, and singinga part of the song, so kindly that she is ending Renata’s suffocation. “Oh, you, pigeons, with dove-colored wings

Oh, where have you been, and how far,

and what have you seen?” Renata listens to her angelic voice. She is getting under a spell, avoiding the brutal world, taking Florentina inside her wooden walls, and shutting the doors to everyone else. And they’re drowning now. Just the two of them, alone in that gloomy room, which is so big that Florentina’s voice is echoing, crashing into Renata’s soul. The song is still in her ear, and Florentina is in her arms. Neither of them knows what to do, doesn’t care when this dance comes to an end. All they care about is just one single kiss for the night. Is that too much to ask for? “Is it too much to ask for?” Renata is desperately in need of the answer, raising her lips and leaning towards Florentina. While still swaying with little moves, Florentina’s humming is vanishing away, then she is waiting, and finally murmuring a few words. “It’s never too much, no.” and then, she’s kissing her. It’s like nothing else. It’s a heart-melting touch, overwhelming, yet still, quite healing. Florentina is telling the story between the kisses now. “The pigeons are actually angels” Florentina’s words, spread among the little kisses are enravishing. “It’s asking them, and grieving.” “Why?” Renata can only speak word by word now, exhaustedly. “Cause it’s farewell.”

Two women, graciously dancing in the middle of the old room, to an old song, kissing and tasting the tears. The scenery is carrying a lot of things. There’s bittersweet passion, it’s sunk into silence, and ephemeral. “It’sthe death, you know, Renata.The soul leavingits weak body.” Now Florentina is kissing Renata as if someone is going to steal her, take her away from the hall, from the city, actually, from her heart. “And I feel like if you go away, you will be takingmy soul with you aswell, and Iam going to be trapped in my own body,my bones

will crush, and block my way home, and I’ll be waiting for death in despair, already dead inside.” Her look, her words, her moves, and her voice is so deep that Renata cannot even breathe now. “I’ll always be this much close to you, we will be together until we can’t.” The feeling of a light breeze in the room is now turning into thunder, just like the one outside. It’s intense. Florentina is singing again. She doesn’t know how far the end of this is. She doesn’t want to think. “Maybe in another time and place, you and I are worrying about dinner, fightingover which side of our bed will be whose.”Renata is tellingher a story, which has no chance in this reality. “Maybe I’m brushing your hair in our own room, you’re tying up my pointee while reading your poems, or singing a lullaby.” She stops, she’slooking for clues,to understand what Florentina is thinking beyond those sparkles in her eyes. “Doesn’t it feel nice, at least the idea of having a life in another reality?” “It is nice, and I do want to believe in it, geniunely.” Florentina is seeking a way out from the hopeless ruins, the ruins of her dream that will never come true. “Maybe even, somewhere in the multiverse, a part of me is

stilllooking for you, or dreamingof this night,huh?” Renata is smiling now, with the

astonishing feeling of this possibility. “Yes, love. Somewhere in the multiverse, you still haven’t found me, and I’m still waiting for you. At least, in this one, we already found each other.” Florentina is kissing her softly, saying “I am grateful for being here, then, for having met you. And I always will be.” Renata agrees. They’re sharing a kiss again, not knowing that it’s their last,

at least, in this universe.

Şevval Karpuzcu

(Helina of The Moscow Story)